The Feels

I honestly didn’t know how I would feel. 

Accomplished? Disappointed? Proud ? Nothing? 
I really I didn’t think I was going to feel that much. But there it is, I feel ALL of those things. Accomplished because I did something I never thought I was able to. Something on my complete own. 
Disappointed because I could have done better. 
Proud because I never thought I was smart. 
And lastly nothing, because…what do I do now? 
My friends are married and have children, plural, I am so far behind. But luckily there’s no ONE way of doing life. Hell if anyone were to dictate me on it. Holy smokes, as I am writing this it is less than 20 minutes ago that I had my last ever final exam, in finance non the less, an evening class at 9pm. I am on the subway on my way home right now. Smiling from ear to ear as I am buried in my phone typing this text aggressively fast. My stiletto nails tapping the screen. I am sure the guy next to me is annoyed with the sound, oh he has headphones, no worries! Though I’m not looking I can feel peoples stares, looking at me with my hoodie on and my glasses digging the music intensely as Caleb sings his song that hits me straight to the heart. Growing up is real. I am in my mid twenties so I guess it’s about time. 
Anyone hiring?
Advertisements

BEING A LIBRA

Libra season is coming up, y’all!
Reading about astrology signs I have over the past years gotten a better understanding of myself and my friends and why we are they way we are. As my birthday is in the end of the seventh of the 12 signs (13 if you will), October 17th, I am a Libra, and most of the time very happy about that.

Libra is an Air sign and is therefor known to have a strong intellectual connection with the world, loves to analyze and solve problems (YES! – a little too much!!) The ruling planet is Venus, the planet of luxury, beauty and love, and makes us Libras add energy of charm and embellishment to everything we touch. We sound pretty wonderful, huh!? Some more traits for Libras are that we are diplomatic peacekeepers and constantly finding and looking for the beauty in things. The symbol for Libras is often shown as the Scale of Justice, we don’t like when things are unfair and we stand up for the ones who need support. We tend to be unbiased and able to keep an open mind – this is one of my favorite traits for myself and other Libras. I am very often asked by my friends for advice when it comes to negotiations or simply conversations, especially when it comes to their significant others. This is something I appreciate and after reading about Libras, it makes sense now too, you know, that they ask me I mean. On Refinery29.com, they say that Libras are romantic and want that first date spark forever, making it difficult for us to settle down with just one other person (do not agree with that last part, haha!) They also said that we are the sign of harmony so even breakups with us wont be that bad. Which made me think of, I was seeing this guy, who is also a Libra, and when the romance between us ended, for whatever reason (I still wonder what happened), our relationship kind of just faded for a little bit, and then we stared to talk more again and ended up being friends. We are both happy that we are still friends and I think we agree on how much it sucks when you have cared about a person and they completely vanish from your life. Him being a Libra as well, we obviously have a lot of things in common, though Libra+Libra isn’t the most compatible when it comes to romantic relationships. Libras are also said to get the party started and get the crowd going as well as being trend-setters and spotters! I love my sign.

All of these good things being said, I am going to spit out some of the shits of being a Libra. We tend to overthink, overanalyze and be too kind. Believe me people take kindness for weakness and use you (me..). Also the fact about being trendsetters, I have always had this urge of being different, looking different, listening to different music and doing different things than most of my friends. And as liberating as this is, it can also be a little tiring sometimes. Not that I put a lot of energy into being different, that’s just is the way it is kinda, but rather that actually being and looking different can be a bit of a “job” sometimes, mostly because people are mean and narrow-sighted. People hate on you, look at you weird and though I never really cared too much about what people thought of me, there is still a little part of me that cares. ANYWAYS. If it was too much, I’d just look like “everyone” else. Back to the start of this post though, every time I read about Libras, what we are usually like, I learn something new about myself, and my fellow Libras, I love it. #LibraLife

Playing With Fire

My life was seriously so close to the end of awesomeness that I tear up simply thinking about it. My dream was to live in a certain country, the United States of America. It’s just always been that way. And one day I found a way; going back to school. I cruised through college with a better GPA than anyone, including myself, had ever imagined. Graduation happened and summer came along. Summer in the city, goddamn it was hot and humid! But somehow I got used to it and I loved it, loved it so much that I lost focus for a bit. Forgot that the only reason I could keep living in the big apple, visa wise, was if I got a job. There was a deadline of course for when I needed proof of employment, and it was cutting close, frikkin’ close. A week before it was all about to come falling down I had the most insane day;

Went for a few beers too many the night before when the alarm rang at 7.26am on a Tuesday morning, mind you I have been sleeping in, meaning into the pm’s, for the past three months, so this was early. I was going to be a hair model, aka get a somewhat free sesh of highlights, at 9 am in Midtown. I am not one to spend a lot of money on my hair or anything, though it somehow looks quite awesome if I may say myself, sooo the $20 I spent on this was pretty rad already. I sat in the chair with aluminum foil all over my hair when my phone rang, it was my requiter calling to say that the one job that I had turned down already because they couldn’t offer me enough hours really did want me to come work for them part time (increasing the hours). My eyes teared up faster than Usain Bolt can run an inch, as they are now too writing this. I got a job, I GOT A FUCKING JOB! IN AMERICA! The pay was just enough to cover rent, no food, no phone, no fun. The thought of this didn’t even come close to cross my mind at that time. I texted my roomies, who were both, NOT COOL with me leaving the States just yet. The amount of joy shown in emojis made me cry again.

My hair turned out pretty awesome though it took forever, forever being a little over 4 hours. I then went to meet one if the roomies for lunch. We saw each other and started crying, the joy was real. We hugged, let go, looked at each other, and hugged, let go and looked at each other again. Then my phone rang (it never really rings, who calls anymore? I love it though, but it seems old school..), another job I applied for offered me another position. I ran back into the café and to my friend and told her, and we cried some more. Now I could stay for sure! Pay rent, my phone bill, food AND have fun! We went out in the sun, as it seemed to be the last day if summer, to finish our food. When we had just finished eating a man approaches me and presents himself as a street style photographer who had worked for Harper’s Bazaar for a decade, etc. He asked to take my photo, as I obviously looked fly as fuck. I was wearing my blue and white striped pants and posed like a boss on front of a blue Pepsi truck that matched my pants. The photos came out pretty dope as far as I could see on his little camera screen. Cant wait to see them. From there I went to catch the train home. Got home did my nails, crashed on the couch and did what I do best; chilled out and watched TV.

I am amazed how when things seem to look so dark and hopeless, my life still finds a way to make it work.. I thank the goddesses and spirits for this opportunity. What is meant to happen, happens, right? Now I gotta suck it up and work seven days a week because communication ain’t always that easy. My silly self is worried about when I will have time to have a few too many beers again..

020712

Whilst writing this I’m over Saskatoon. A place I have only seen on the globus, now I look out the window and I see it, in real life, with my own eyes. Winnipeg too. And where I am going is way better, Los Angeles, city of angels. Calgary, Toronto, Denver. I am really going across the world. And by my self that is. Traveling alone, this trip just like my whole life, alone. I had a panic attac the other day, I was sure I was going to die. Terrified. Cried and didn’t want to go. I got passed that, and went, obviously. I’ve been on this flight, the second and last of the day, for a little over 7 hours now. Only 3 hours left, and I will be where I have believed for so many years is where I belong here in the world. Lately I haven’t been as sure as the years before. Home is where the heart is. And as much as I hate it when an action movie absolutely have to have a romantic end, I do want my life to be like that now. I had a taste of love, now I’d give up almost everything to get it back. That feeling. I was a pessimist for a hill and used to believe money would make me happy, I still kind of do, but now I know you also need love. Can not, at all, live without it. Love.

081716

I look for you when the sun goes down
When it gets dark and hard to see
So dark that no one sees that we are actually are around

When the sun don’t shine, you’re my friend right
When its dark outside, it is sometimes you and me
When the moon shines, we are tight right
When the sun is up though, we are distant
Like we haven’t seen each other without clothes
I just wish that when the sun is up, we could still be existent
But when the sun is up, the truth always shows

Social Media + A.D.D

Hey,

What is more frustrating than loving and hating something at the same time?

The case right now is Social Media. I love how it globalizes the world when it comes to fashion, beauty, advertising, branding and everything. I love how much inspiration I draw from those endless little squares, both about and from, people’s lives, people I don’t know. But then, I hate how much of my time goes towards it. How many thoughts and concerns about the somewhat little silly things can take up SO much of my time. Like choosing the right photo to post… (I am a little ashamed)

The scenario right now is; I graduated recently from College, and so I am unemployed, or in between College and getting my first job if you will, in no other city than New York…and so I am here with 38 tabs open with jobs I am going to apply for and LinkedIn profiles of people I need to reach out to. But then constantly lurking in the back of my mind, somehow always making its way to the top of my thinking and priority list inside my head: “what is the most suitable caption to the really cool photo my roommate took of me yesterday.” ARE YOU (OR I..) SERIOUS!?

Many years ago I diagnosed myself with ADD, its like ADHD, but without the hyper part. I have never been hyper in my life, but yeah, it is the lack of concentration and such (though I usually blame this on my creative working brain). Basically it makes it a little hard to focus on one thing at a time, especially around the kitchen table at home where I find myself sitting whilst writing this. Hence, why I am writing this, because I couldn’t focus on what I was supposed to do! Gosh, I am terrible. I should get back to the job search, and settle with a caption, which I think will be “They love to say they told me so”, which btw is from a song my favorite bands new album that they newly dropped. Now I have one less distraction. It is frustrating how Social Media seems to always become my #1 priority, but then I figure just do what you got to do on there, post the pic and get it over with, then on to the next! Ok ok, I am going to do that; time to hit the 38 tabs and the 18 cover letters I have to write!

Later.

But first, I’m just gonna check, REAL QUICK, did I get any likes yet??

 

-M

 

Summer in New York

Lets just say it has been a hot one.
Being on the top floor of your building in Bushwick, on a student/ unemployed budget, you don’t use the AirCon that much, simply because you can’t afford it. But sometimes, sometimes, when the apartment is 84 degrees Fahrenheit, you say; fuck this. I haven’t had a good night sleep in who knows how long. I put the Air Conditioner in my room on 61F; damn, a cold breeze never felt so good. My body is sticky, I am seconds away from going all “Britney 2007” and shaving off my long ass hair, but sanity kicks in with the cool air now hitting my face. I love my hair and I do not have the head shape for a buzz cut. I heard that when I was trying on wigs on Knickerbocker avenue and I had my wig cap on, the lady at the store told me I had a tiny head, “Don’t ever skin your head, girl” then she was laughing. I looked in the mirror and laughed along with her. Gee, I have a really small skull. Don’t try to call me stupid now, okay. 2004 called and wanted their jokes back. Hahah, I love that line.

Anyways, its hot AF, the cool breeze takes me quickly to dreamland. SHIT! I wake up a couple hours later being cold. What a distant feeling. I fell asleep with the airCon on, shit fuck, tits! My conscience is gonna haunt me, I, nor my roomies, can afford mistakes like that. I turn the AC off, fall asleep, wake up after an hour being sticky again. Damn. I love this city, though, I really do.. A few weeks goes by, the ConEd bill plings on my computer, SHEIZE! Double what it usually is and then some. Daamn. We manage to pay it. Next month we are super cautious on how much we use the electricity and what not. So we think. ConEd bill plings again, What. The. Fudge. Over three times as much as we usually get. I hit the Dollar Tree and buy three 5-packs of chicken flavored noodles, Top Ramen it is then.

That is all for now. Just testing this a little.
Later.

OSL – EWR

Took a trip across the pond, from one home to another. It’s good to be back in the big apple, this city is so full of life and it makes me bubble inside. I’ve had a great summer with people I love, but it’s also good to be back here. Anyways here’s a few snapshots from the last few days.

image

image

image

image

GRAY IS GOOD

As it has been raining for the last few days I haven’t felt very colorful. I thought I’d match the weather yesterday and went full on gray. Summer is officially over in this place, so the flanell and wool coat was on. Brr.

image

image

image

Yassss!

I’m not a big fan of colors really..but sometimes something really speaks to me. Like this butterfly pant right here. I love it. Been creeping on it for a while but never bought it..but now I did, obviously

image

image

image